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:iconthelastwhiterose85:
I loved this piece. The grammar was great the readability was incredible as a result. I also liked the storyline it made me want to keep reading. You are an amazing writer. I am looking forward to reading the story as you post it and I have time.

I had a couple of things that I felt were unclear. One of them is a more trivial thing while the other could help the story improve when cleared up. I will start with the biggest part that was unclear, was the prologue in its entirety a dream? Also the more trivial thing, that could make some difference, were the animals riding with her or her parents.

Overall as I said I believe this has a lot of potential, looking forward to reading the rest.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:icontocsin-vesper:
Tocsin-Vesper Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow!! Thanks for the critique uvu I'm very glad you like it.
i'll be sure to use your feedback to improve the next part! <33

I realized that the dream/reality thing may be confusing ^^; it makes a little more sense when you reach the first chapter, which explains more or less that she had blacked out so suddenly that she didn't even realize she blacked out nn;
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:iconthelastwhiterose85:
TheLastWhiteRose85 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, now I am even more interested. I like the way you use that as a form of suspense. Looking forward to Chapter One!
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